I woke up this morning as a woman on a mission. A mission to self-discovery and healing. Before I get into more detail about my mission of recovery, first, let me get real emotionally naked and give you a glimpse into my heart.
Over the last couple months, I have been hit with a wave of emotions that I didn’t know why or where they were coming from. Anger, resentment, sadness, jealousy, you name it, it hit all at once. The more I look inward, the more I see the codependence that has grown into this unhealthy mold over my heart. I do not allow myself to feel, I fix others. That was who I was, the ultimate fixer. I would hold onto unhealthy feelings or worries about other people’s opinions like a boa constrictor does with the prey he just caught. In my head, I know this is unhealthy, but every single time I bury the emotions and continue to fix. Fix, Fix, Fix. Over the last fourteen years I can see now how I was lost. I was so focused on everyone else’s happiness and physical healthiness that I slowly gave pieces of my soul away. That is no one’s fault, but my own. Now, that my marriage is over, it is time I let that resentment go and learn how to be unapologetically me. Let me tell you, that is easier said than done. Remember when I said all of the emotions hit at once, well it is not pleasant, nor easy to sift through. I naturally go back into my state of repressing. It all hurt too much. Now that jealousy and anger are hitting me, I finally got to my point of being done, I need to do something. I hate jealousy and anger. I lived under that for many years and it hurts that I am becoming an angry person. I see that sobriety and happiness are now happening without me. It is good, but my brain keeps saying, “why was I not good enough for that change” and “what about me doesn’t deserve happiness and a little bit of saving from time to time.” This is what I need to change. It has nothing to do with me. Yes, I am hurt, I need to let myself feel all of it, no matter how painful it may get, but I control my feelings, no one else. I have to take that control back. I can’t control others and they have no power over me. Again, changing how I think is easier said than done, but I am ready for that challenge. Last night, I picked up a book I stopped reading four years ago. I don’t know, maybe I wasn’t ready to take on the challenges that reading it would bring forth, but since I am telling myself I am ready now, here I am reading, “Codependent No More”, by Melody Beattie. This morning I woke up, made my coffee, started to turn on the TV, and stopped myself. This is one bad habit that I picked up. I zone out and bury those unwanted feelings. Not this morning! I sat in my chair in my new zenned out corner of my living room and read. I have not done that in a long time and let me tell you it felt good. I read a few chapters and then purchased another one of her books that was recommended to me by a good friend, “The Language of Letting Go.” As you noticed I am also getting back to an old love of mine, writing. I have neglected this passion. I was letting depression and self-doubt get in the way. Not today. Today, I put me first and take back my feelings. This has already been a long journey and I know I have a long way to go. Today is the first day that I am truly going to allow myself to feel those feels. This is my mission. I will love me again. I am still working on the 3rd and final book of my Power Within series, but wanted to take a quick break to share my story. I love empowering others with my writing. Now, I need to empower myself. Thank you to those who have embraced The Power Within series, my journey, and listening. I promise The Power Within will get the finale that Daphne and my reader's deserve.