My last blog, “Bonded”, focused on the trauma bond I was in. How it happened. Now, I want to focus on the why it happened. What in me made this happen. Prior to this relationship there was something in me that told me “I’m not enough”, “I must prove myself to everyone to be enough”, “it must be me”, “they will always leave.” I was in and still sometimes in a constant battle with my inner self talk.
Since this relationship ending not only am I learning as much as I can to protect myself in the future, know I am not crazy, but I’m shifting the focus to me as much as possible. Learning to love myself. Finding the parts in me that know I am worthy. Become strong enough that instead of begging someone to leave because of the abuse, but to walk away. Take my power back. I am a Codependent; I have childhood wounds that have become my protective parts. I sit in chaos, toxic, I know how to navigate that. I know how to be in constant fight, flight, freeze, fawn. It is my natural state. I lost my dad young in a traumatic way and then the rest of my childhood was me in constant state of trying to prove to everyone else that I am good enough not to leave. Talk about pressure on a child! I never healed those wounds. I put on my mask, my smile, became the ultimate people pleaser. What is the word, “no”? I can’t say that that would hurt others. I am finding my voice. Not going to lie my therapist has made me practice saying no, that is how bad I am at it. She is a saint.
In my last relationship I made it easy to groom, to manipulate, to gaslight, to cheat on. I thought I had found the one, my perfect match. In the beginning it felt that way. When the pull back started happening my codependency kicked in. I went into constant panic. Why was I not good enough? When is he going to leave? Maybe he’s not cheating? Maybe he really does love me, and it is me causing this. Towards the end my body was going into shock. Getting hives, losing hair, getting sick, but I stayed. Why did I stay? I knew I was miserable. I knew this was not healthy, but I stayed. My low self-worth was plummeting even more. Almost to the point of being completely drained. I thought it was me. I was causing the devaluing, the lies. I put all my worth into this person. I lived in a constant state of when will he leave. So instead of me leaving, I waited, I tried to prove myself, that I was worth loving.
Luckily, after this relationship it triggered my journey, my true, incredibly difficult journey to loving myself, learning my value, my worth. I still battle every day with my inner critic. I have a difficult time making large decisions for myself. I question myself constantly. I worry it would hurt others if I chose me, but I make progress daily. I still cry, I have new triggers that never existed before, I am learning to fight those. Nothing about this journey is easy, but nothing that is worth it is and I am most definitely worth it. I know who I am, and I do like her. I am strong, positive. I love people. I love helping others. I am learning to sit in the discomfort. Trying to not push down any uneasy or hurtful memories. I’m letting them float to the surface. Tackling each memory, each trigger, letting myself cry when I need to and then reflecting on the why. I also have an amazing support system behind me that when I can’t love myself, they do, they remind me of who I am.
If you struggle with that inner critic know you are not alone, but 100% loved and amazing. You are worth the journey. I do meditations daily, I say affirmations daily, I do somatic body work multiple times a week for the PTSD, I talk to my friends, I have an amazing therapist, I write. I will keep shining and so will you. Never let anyone take that light away.